I know I haven't been trying for long enough yet to label myself infertile, but I can't shake this feeling that there is something wrong with me and making a baby is going to be difficult. I thought it might help free up some space in my over-crowded mind to get out some of my totally irrational thoughts on this subject.
Things that happen when you have a miscarriage:
- You get angry at every pregnant person or young mom that you know. Clearly, they are flaunting their pregnancy and/or baby to hurt your feelings.
- When someone announces they are pregnant, you realize that they got pregnant as a personal attack directed at you.
- You get even angrier at moms announcing they are pregnant with their second child. They already have one, now they are being just plain greedy.
- You constantly think about what point you would have been at in your pregnancy if the baby had lived. "I would be 22 weeks today, with a cute little baby bump but not feeling huge and uncomfortable yet."
- Your desire to have a baby becomes desperate and obsessive. You NEED to have a baby in the same year that you would have had a baby if it weren't for the miscarriage.
- If you know someone who got pregnant on their first or second try with no complications, you want to punch them in the face. Freaking show offs.
- Seeing parents who look less than responsible (very young, etc.) out and about with a baby makes you want to punch someone in the face.
- If your husband is an attorney who deals with a lot of clients accused of child abuse or neglect, or who willingly give up their parental rights, but get pregnant time after time, you want to punch everyone in the face.
Clearly, I now spend a lot of my time wanting to punch people in the face. No, I haven't actually punched anyone (just my pillow). I understand that many of these things happen when you are just trying to conceive and it's not going so well, but all these things are intensified when you've had a miscarriage. I was so close. I saw 2 pink lines on those tests. But my baby got taken away. And it just isn't fair.
I need to cheer up. And honestly, I have been a lot more cheerful since the miscarriage has been officially over. But now the realities of trying to conceive are sinking in and bringing up more negative emotions. This month I'm going to try to push through a lot of the negative because it's not doing me any good. Crying and daydreaming about punching people in the face will not help me make a baby. Obsessing over what's happening in my body will not help me make a baby. Here is my action plan - lots of yoga, lots of running, relax. Easier said than done.